Funny quotes

Funny quotes “I am going to call my kids Ctrl, Alt and Delete. Then if they muck up I will just hit them all at once.” Author Unknown“A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.” Emo Philips My life needs editing. Mort Sahl“By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.” Charles WadsworthLadies first. Pretty ladies sooner. Author Unknown“Men marry women with the hope they will never change. Women marry men with the hope they will change. Invariably they are both disappointed.” Albert Einstein“The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back in your pocket.” Will RogersA successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man. Lana Turner“Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way when you criticize them, you are a mile away from them and you have their shoes.” Jack HandeyA day without sunshine is like, you know, night. Steve MartinA lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, Im afraid of widths. Steven WrightHousework cant kill you, but why take a chance? Phyllis DillerA stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, At my age, I dont even buy green bananas.' Claude PepperMy most brilliant achievement was my ability to be able to persuade my wife to marry me. Winston ChurchillThe only time a woman really succeeds in changing a man is when he is a baby. Natalie WoodI would never die for my beliefs because I might be wrong. Bertrand RussellI never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it. W. C. FieldsIm writing a book. Ive got the page numbers done. Steven WrightOriginality is the fine art of remembering what you hear but forgetting where you heard it. Laurence J. PeterA womans mind is cleaner than a mans: She changes it more often. Oliver HerfordWhy do they call it rush hour when nothing mo ves? Robin WilliamsTheres no such thing as soy milk. Its soy juice. Lewis BlackMy uncle Sammy was an angry man. He had printed on his tombstone: What are you looking at?' Margaret SmithIf at first you dont succeed, find out if the loser gets anything. William Lyon PhelpsMail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas. Johnny CarsonIf you die in an elevator, be sure to push the up button. Sam Levenson“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of payments.” Earl Wilson“A bank is a place that will lend you money if you can prove that you don’t need it.” Bob Hope“The human brain is a wonderful thing. It starts working the moment you are born, and never stops until you stand up to speak in public.” George JesselRegular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. Author UnknownMarriage is a relationship in which one person is always right and the other is the husband! Author Unknown